I write so many posts that I don't publish. The collection of drafts has essentially become a private journal, documenting my most irrational thoughts and feelings.

i've got some issues that nobody can see, and all these emotions are pouring out of me

I was just thinking, what if I died suddenly, and that previous post was my last post? I wouldnt want that. Not that I care much about this blog, but in any case, I'd still like to say, I'm in much lighter boots now.

in heavy boots

I may have died in a land-slide
Of the rocks, the hopes and fears



So swim until you can't see land.

For lack of better words and for lack of being able to articulate myself, I will say this about this weekend:

It made me happy.

Saturday night, I met a girl named Sibel in the Fens at 1 am. She goes to Connecticut College, and she transferred from BC. She said some pretty harsh things about BC. She tried on my non-prescription eyeglasses with the big black rims, and after we chatted and exchanged numbers and parted ways, I realized she was still wearing them!

It's okay though. Just as I came across the glasses in a strange way, so did Sibel. It feel like an appropriate way to lose them.

Thoughts that I don't feel like connecting at all:

I envy my fellow bloggers' ability to articulate their emotions. 

It is impossible to go to New York City and spend less than $100.

My friend Anna (who is from Virginia) has a friend at Wesleyan whose roommate went to high school with my cousin. The world is miniscule. 

I am not a good driver. Did you know that when you merge onto the Mass Pike from I-84, if you go the wrong direction, there isn't a goddamn exit for 10 miles? 

Oh, and Kelsey told me I sang on key today! Believe it.

Right now I'm sitting in the living room, and I'm just listening to my house. The dryer is whirring softly. The furnace is making its dull breathing noise. The logs in the wood stove behind me occasionally shift. And I know how the stairs will creak as I walk up them, lightfooted as I will try to be, and how the bathroom faucet will take at least 20 seconds to get warm. 

The overwhelmingly familiarity of all this is so comforting. 

I'm not erasing, aside from spelling and grammatical corrections. I use the delete button too often when I blog, writing down half-thoughts and then dismissing them as completely unremarkable. Which they probably are.

Here goes:

I really enjoy acting. I performed a monologue in my acting class and got totally immersed in the scene. My teacher is great, she knows how to tweak little things that make big differences. When I finished, she was so complimentary, told me I nailed it, which was a huge confidence boost.

Funny story: I'm pretty sure this girl Cate from my acting class tried to set me up with another guy from my acting class. Lolz. Awkwardness. Whatevs.

As much as I'm looking forward to this vacation, I don't really need it. I've hardly worked this semester. I need a job so badly. I'm broke broke broke.

James is so goddamn messy it's ridiculous. His side of the room is a disaster. It gives me another external factor on which to blame my disorganization and general lack of motivation.

My self-confidence comes in waves. I'm all down-on-myself and then something triggers me to be brave and I talk to people and smile more and then I fuck up somehow and I'm all down again.



I'm only 18 for 6 more days! Weird. 18 seemed like such a milestone, now it's almost behind me.

Hmm I haven't blogged in a while.

College is good, but it still doesn't really compare to home life.

I've taken up rock climbing (more specifically bouldering), and though it makes me feel weak and inadequate, I love it. Like an abusive relationship.

Holden and I are in the middle of a Lord of The Rings marathon. Oh my god, do I love those movies.

I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. "Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to.